Innovate or Die

Well, more like stagnate.

Innovation is a culmination of hardwork and the pursuit of dreams. Despite what some people actually think about me, I have dreams, a set of career goals in mind.

1) Finish PhD.

2) Pursue Post-Doc opportunity somewhere very promising

3) Get a good job specializing in undergrad and highschool research opportunities at a 4 year college.

4) Travel.

5) Innovate.

It bothers me when people don't pursue their dreams, it bothers me to hear people say "Oh I wish I could paint" or "Something like the previous statement." Whatever happened to people who wanted to be ninjas when they grew up or cowboys. What changed from then to now, that makes you still work at a target with a college fucking degree with no chance of moving up the management chain? Why would anyone go to school to learn a fucking trade, skill set or subject not to contribute to it?

You're all a bunch of lazy asses and it pisses me off.

I am innovating right now, and I will continue to. There are millions of mistakes I need to make along the way first, but when I'm done with all of that, I'll be the best of the best because I want to be.

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. - Niels Bohr

Reality

It is not, nor will it ever be my job to make you happy. From the beginning of the day, to the end of the day, the only person I absolutely have to answer to is myself. The same goes for you.

I love myself, and there aren't a lot of people that can say that about themselves. It does come off as cocky, it is selfish and arrogant but there isn't anything I cannot succeed at if I don't try. I am always working to make myself better. Now, it is my school work and my researching duties, the extra time I fill with going to the gym (getting stronger and healthier), with my friends (laughing and having a good time). My life is complete.

In two year I'll be out of here, perhaps I'll stay in the US, perhaps I'll go to another country to pursue more education. I love learning, I love applying it, and I love teaching it. I thrive on the process.

My third paper was accepted into an RSC journal a couple weeks ago. I'm excited for the interests it may cause.

I have started writing my first paper by myself. It's a process, it's a lot of fun, and it is certainly a lot to learn.

I am very happy, I'm happy being single, I'm happy with the direction my life, my interests and my future is headed.

To make yourself happy is really fucking easy. 1 part motivation. 1. part determination. 98 parts wading through the shit.

Internalization

Despite what I lead people to believe. I do see beauty in things, lots of beauty. To the complex growth of a tree, to the way light bounces from a window to a passing car to a can of coke and eventually blinding me, annoying me for but a passing second.

I love the thought process of an animal, what it does, thinks about. How it decides to go from one place to another, what it decides is comfortable and what is not.

The problem is that I internalize these things, I cannot wonder out loud about the growth of a crystal or the advance of my knowledge. The times I do speak on the process of nature, it seems like incoherent babbling.

Perhaps I'm too easily distracted.

Losing it

I shouldn't read my ex's journal entries from 3 years ago. I don't know what they would say now I'm sure it would include how much of a shit I am.

I don't know what to say other than I loved her more than anything, more than school, more than my computer, more than knowledge itself. She was the absolute beacon of happiness in myself and I feel like I ruined it, I just let it burn to the ground.

People expect me to be hurt for a while, they expect me to bury myself into my work. If anything I feel like i need a break from most things right now, this apartment, this job, this emotional state.

I cannot do this on my own, somethings require help from friends. Unfortunately most of them are too far away or too busy to babysit me during these difficult times.

I hate Sundays.

Lifestyle Changes

This breakup seems more like a divorce than anything. You get this, I get that. When you don't need X I'll take care of it until Y.

It's frustrating, because it does occupy both of our time too much. For once we are trying to avoid spending time together.

This whole progress is time-consuming and aggravating. All this extra work sucks.

I have to grade, and prepare a lecture for tomorrow, and hopefully study for next Saturday's cumes.