3 Years 9 Months and 11Days

From I-HOP to I-hate you 3 years 9 months and 11 days of being with someone is a relatively long time for a relationship. I guess it's over, I guess it's not my decision to make. I've just stood by being patient, to patient. The man of action being patient.

If I remember all of the good/wonderful times we had together I guess my heart will remain broken forever. If I remember all of the plans we had made for the future I'll never move from this spot until the day I day.

If I remember all of the fights/ arguments we had together I guess my heart will remain cold, as so many people accuse me of already. If I remember all of things that made me so inexplicably confused by her, my head-spins much like a bed does after a hard night on the town.

The truth is, I am hurt.

The expectations of a wonderful future are disappearing faster than the last 3 years 9 mo and 11days. A sad song, and a sat cat are really all that occupy my physical space anymore. I'm a prisoner in my home, in my room. A vastly different room than it was at the beginning of this month.

My downfall may be my salvation contact with the outside world, a real world is only readily achieved through a laptop computer. This repression without expression leads to depression mantra that I've chanted so many times before is resonating only slightly louder than the Chet Baker that plays through the speakers.

Before enlightenment chop wood and eat rice, after being enlightened chop wood and eat rice.

So many things to say, so many emotions and when I try I get nothing but a whimper and a squeak. Much like how I treated everything for these 3 years 9months and 11days.

I loved her, I loved her wet hair itching my face at night, I loved her kisses on the back of my neck while I worked. I loved everything, I love the fantastic, I loved the good, mediocre and and poor, everything.

I wasn't a proclaimer but I would have walked 500 miles for her.

So many things were right, and yet I proceeded to do so many things wrong, everything was wrong, but I was blinded by her, the future and especially my own arrogance. I didn't expect it happen, and I thought if I did I wouldn't be upset, again arrogance.

How can you hurt someone who's so incredibly lucky. How can you bring down a man who has found something so special. Only by losing it.

My life is now a mess. I have a complete lack of drive.

There are so many things we did, and so many things we've missed out on. I loved you, I love you.

Oh how I love you.