Stress

I'm terrible when dealing with stress, I've always just wanted to sleep through it. If I sleep, then procrastinate long enough. When it comes down to brass tacks, I'll just jump all over whatever I need to do, I won't have time to worry about time-lines, it will just get done.

Last week, while dealing with the new graduate students, I knew I was stressed, and I would just get angry, at them, myself everyone. I need a new way to cope with my stress.

With 3911 I was the same way, I never dealt with it properly. I was short, angry, vicious, vindictive, selfish and shut-in.

Seeking help in dealing with stress, I hope it helps, I want to change it. I need to change it.

Right now I've got too many projects, too many for one graduate student should. If I don't find a way to cope with my stress, I will not be very successful.

Meditations on being alone

We all need our fellow man, we all need our Samaritan.

That being said, being alone is a powerful problem we all encounter. Even while interacting with others we choose to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Until we announce them. During this breakup the things that are hardest for me are to maintain a healthy living schedule. Get up on time, go to bed on time, etc. These things are not always easy.

I hate being alone, I always prefer to have someone to talk to, whether it be about life, chemistry, sports etc. Being alone causes ones mind to focus on things they necessarily wouldn't focus on. Music doesn't help much right now, songs always change, and with it, their perceived message.

A happy song can make me sad, and a sad song can be empowering and a jazz song might make me angry etc. The intent of the song isn't fullfilling the desired emotion anymore. Black is white, up is down. Determined Barry is indifferent and apathetic.

However being alone does give me the ability to hopefully focus on the required tasks at hand. Or screw them up completely.

Chop Wood Haul Water

My new mantra, I've used it before.

I've gone through this before, and as I type I have a cat burrowing under my left arm. She knows whats up, she knows she's leaving in couple month, no one to wrestle her anymore. If anything I'll miss Kitteh the longest.

My mantra, "chop wood haul water" is so simple yet has so many meanings. I'm going to write it everyday on the mirror before I brush my teeth. Just keep working and you'll get through this.

Chopping wood, compartmentalizing problems, breaking them down. You cannot carry a tree, it is too much of a burden to do so. Chop it up into more manageable problems and you've solved the problem.

Haul water, carry what you need with you, these are the lessons learned. Water is vital for life, lessons are vital for the soul. This is your friend, this is the happy moments that you'll never regret. You wouldn't bother carrying bad water. Take the good and leave the bad.

Everyday I'll mutter these to myself, everyday since it happened I have been muttering it to myself. It doesn't control the anger, it does make it more manageable, more focused and more useful that outright fear, sadness, etc.

It's not easy to lose someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life, eventually you'll get over it, eventually I'll get over it.

By chopping wood and hauling water.

Lessons

1. Give Space

2. Treat Her Right

3. ?

3 Years 9 Months and 11Days

From I-HOP to I-hate you 3 years 9 months and 11 days of being with someone is a relatively long time for a relationship. I guess it's over, I guess it's not my decision to make. I've just stood by being patient, to patient. The man of action being patient.

If I remember all of the good/wonderful times we had together I guess my heart will remain broken forever. If I remember all of the plans we had made for the future I'll never move from this spot until the day I day.

If I remember all of the fights/ arguments we had together I guess my heart will remain cold, as so many people accuse me of already. If I remember all of things that made me so inexplicably confused by her, my head-spins much like a bed does after a hard night on the town.

The truth is, I am hurt.

The expectations of a wonderful future are disappearing faster than the last 3 years 9 mo and 11days. A sad song, and a sat cat are really all that occupy my physical space anymore. I'm a prisoner in my home, in my room. A vastly different room than it was at the beginning of this month.

My downfall may be my salvation contact with the outside world, a real world is only readily achieved through a laptop computer. This repression without expression leads to depression mantra that I've chanted so many times before is resonating only slightly louder than the Chet Baker that plays through the speakers.

Before enlightenment chop wood and eat rice, after being enlightened chop wood and eat rice.

So many things to say, so many emotions and when I try I get nothing but a whimper and a squeak. Much like how I treated everything for these 3 years 9months and 11days.

I loved her, I loved her wet hair itching my face at night, I loved her kisses on the back of my neck while I worked. I loved everything, I love the fantastic, I loved the good, mediocre and and poor, everything.

I wasn't a proclaimer but I would have walked 500 miles for her.

So many things were right, and yet I proceeded to do so many things wrong, everything was wrong, but I was blinded by her, the future and especially my own arrogance. I didn't expect it happen, and I thought if I did I wouldn't be upset, again arrogance.

How can you hurt someone who's so incredibly lucky. How can you bring down a man who has found something so special. Only by losing it.

My life is now a mess. I have a complete lack of drive.

There are so many things we did, and so many things we've missed out on. I loved you, I love you.

Oh how I love you.