Cheating

Most of the time men cheat on women to find someone to talk to, women cheat on men for sex. It seems like it would be opposite, but I've been privileged to watch this from a distance and personally. Maintain all you want that I "cheated" on you, the truth is I didn't. I was/am busy. The only thing I ever "cheated" on you with was my education and my money, my time. I couldn't give my time to you. I gave you my money, and despite paying an extra hundred dollars in rent and going out a lot more, I'm actually saving my stupid ass more money without you.

You wanted more of my money and my time. I couldn't afford to give either to you and I'm better off now because of it.

Ironically when you're going to start your job, and your family you'll understand how busy I was, and I will have nothing but free time. The ends justify the means, When I'm done and I've got a job tenured and I've got my lessons down, I'm going to enjoy every moment of my life. Not saying that I don't now, I just will more then. There will be no stopping to smell the roses, it will be more like stop and care for the roses.

Oh how I will always win in the end.

Miles and Milestones

Miles: 150,000 of them.

I figured if I average 10trips home per year driving a total of 400miles, in the past eight years I've driven 32,000 miles. Spending a minimum of 480 hrs of my life going from Fargo to Minneapolis and back. Now mind you this is the low estimate.

Milestones:


Kitteh may miss me, but I really don't miss kitteh much anymore.

Every time I go home, the desire to come back to fargo sooner grows. I dont' want to spend time at home much anymore. Not a slam against my family, not a punch in the face of my childhood or anything like that. Unfortunately when I'm home (except when fishing) the only thing I can think about is getting back to fargo to work, and see my friends. This is more of my home now than where I grew up. A lot of people can't get over that, and it seems like a foreign idea to me.

I guess that's why we are all different.

The Prince

I love the writings a Machiavelli, The Prince is an prime example of how to be a leader, the aspects of the book are definitely up for debate, and the interpretations of any passage are widely open to interpretation. But it does lay a down a baseline on how to act when dealing with enemies, or obstacles.

"The Desire to acquire things is truly very natural and ordinary, and the when who can do so are successful, they will always be praised and not blamed, but when they cannot and want to do so at all costs, here there is error and blame"

This isn't a very profound passage, until you realize throughout the entire book, it is mentioned that one must not lose the trust of friends. Sometimes we overlook our friends well-being to benefit ourselves.

This drives distrust and anger, this creates rifts in our lives and keeps us from achieving the things we actually want to achieve. Knowing ones friends and praising them is vital to leadership, friendship and success in life.

I've never read how to win friends and influence people but I would reckon to guess that it's similar to this book in many many aspects.

For a time, I've gotten away from this, I've forgotten this and now I must pay tribute to those who I haven't praised. I need to make a stand and be less neutral about my feelings and emotions, accept my enemies as enemies, and my friends as friends.

On the Topic of Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins - You may be or may not be the most "Famous Person" I would like to meet.

Not to say I wouldn't rather hang out with leaders in my field of chemistry, and actually I have had a chance to make some of the very best in my field in this relatively young career.

I want to hang out with you because you're a smart guy and I really think you and I have similar likes and dislikes. I think we'd be cool friends.

tldr:HENRY ROLLINS, I WANT TO STALK YOU.

Henry Rollins I want to work out at the gym with you.

You make the crazy in me seem normal and like-able. I thank you for the spoken word therapy you have given me.

Where will it get me?

I have to remember that when I'm angry at someone for being stupid, It's not going to improve the situation if I start screaming and escalate it.

Stupid people need to be left alone.

I have to remember that we had some really fucking fantastic times, and they are in the past, and I have to look forward to my future. It's not going to improve if I keep living in the past.

Relations end, and new ones begin.

I have to remember to stop and enjoy life every once in a while, this is it, I have this one body and this one life (that's why I'm taking once monthly Bonevia) but I seriously need to stop and enjoy it. It's not going to be here to live when I am dead.

I need to live in the present.

I am learning, but the process is slow.

Here in my hand

I hold my wedding band, however, like me it's not ready for that transformation.

It's 312 steps from the bus stopping on Broadway to the front door of my apartment. It seems like million when I don't want to go home, or when it's so cold my eyes freeze shut when I blink.

You cannot scratch your back on a corner of a stucco building when it's -20F in December, not when you have 5 layers and a backpack on one shoulder.

These are the things I've learned in the past two days.

It comes and it goes, the ebb and flow

I found out today that I not only got a fellowship for the next semester (maybe more) but I was invited to a party over the weekend. This is shaping up to be a decent xmas after all Virgina.

It is 312steps from broadway to my front door. Although it is hard to count while waiting for a train and then traffic. I should try to remember how far it is when it is warmer out.

It's the journey not the process.

P.S. Virginia: Santa is still dead.

Everything comes in waves

Well oscillations, since everything is a quantum probably, it's based on the Simple Harmonic Oscillator (SHO)

Today was the opposite of my weekend. Which was a hot mess. This is where I want to be, not bitter not angry, just resolute that this is the best thing for me. I'm glad its over.

We'll see if there is another shift in the oscillation in the near future.

Starting tomorrow I'm going to FFT my life

That's Fast Fourier Transform bitches.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FFT

I'm going to determine what's my frequency Kennith. And there is Jack shit you can do about it.

I'm going FF Transform My LIFE

Roommates

For the first time in 4 years I am going to have a male roommate. This one is probably similar to me in cleanliness. One thing that I am excited about is the fact that he will be my peer in all things.

If I want to talk chemistry, I can talk chemistry. If I want to talk video games, we'll talk about video games. Whatever is whatever. I'm excited.

Unfortunately he's more of a morning person whereas I am a nighthawk. Alas, it shouldn't matter much.

Songs about love still make me miss her.

Happy

I was happier with you than I was without you. I loved you, I knew you were beautiful. I knew you were smart, funny.

I thought you were happy with me, I thought if we worked at it we could accomplish anything.

Glass

I love working with glass, especially quartz. It's so frick'n beautiful to work with. I can make anything from glass.

I want to know how it all ends.

I want to read the last chapter, to know it ends well. If you know please tell me. Right now I've got everything I never needed and I have nothing that I need. Right now this book hasn't been opened, it's been sitting there.

About the only thing that does make me happy right now, is how my body is shaping up and how I feel the moment I am done with the gym.



For some reason my right arm has always looked better, and felt better when flexed than my left arm, even though I'm left handed.

I am not happy with anything besides the gym and my research and the select friends I have. It's funny how when a major part of your life walks out the door you really don't have many things to look forward to over the near future.

I need to re-evaluate my life goals and wants.

Play it again Sam

Music is so integral in my life. It's always playing, at home, in the car, at work. If I have a chance to listen it will be so.

So it comes as no surprise when I hear certain songs that remind me of you I get a little lost in the moment. Anything that involves the large number of concerts we went to and danced at are out. I know I'm missing a lot here.
-Mike Doughty
-Ted Leo
-Minus The Bear
-Built to Spill
-Modest Mouse
-Belle and Sebastian
-New Pornographers
-Bob Dylan
-Junior Brown
The concerts we planned on going to are out.
-Mae
-Ben Folds
-Wilco
-Radiohead
-Elvis Costello

Then there is every band that reminds me of you because of how I associate my time with you, obviously they are out.
Chet Baker
John Prine
Pedro the Lion
Architects of Helsinki
Spoon
Death Cab
Postal Service
Decemberists
Arcade Fire
Elliot Smith
Flaming Lips
Harvey Danger
Sufijan Stevens
Andrew Bird
Shins
Tom Waits

What I have left
-Classic Rock, 70's and 80's new wave and low-fi.

I need some new fucking music. I hate this.

What I would give

For one more night of being with you...

I feel the trembling tingle of a sleepless night
Creep through my fingers and the moon is bright
Beams of blue come flickering through my window pane
Like gypsy moths that dance around a candle flame

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you'd go
Until you did I never thought you would

Moonlight used to bathe the contours of your face
While chestnut hair fell all around the pillow case
And the fragrance of your flowers rest beneath my head
A sympathy bouquet left with the love that's dead

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you'd go
Until you did I never thought you would

Never thought the words you said were true
Never thought you said just what you meant
Never knew how much I needed you
Never thought you'd leave, until you went

Morning comes and morning goes with no regret
And evening brings the memories I can't forget
Empty rooms that echo as I climb the stairs
And empty clothes that drape and fall on empty chairs

And I wonder if you know
That I never understood
That although you said you'd go
Until you did I never thought you would

Blues

TOM WAITS lyrics - Invitation To The Blues

Well she's up against the register with an apron and a spatula,
Yesterday's deliveries, tickets for the bachelors
She's a moving violation from her conk down to her shoes,
Well, it's just an invitation to the blues

And you feel just like Cagney, she looks like Rita Hayworth
At the counter of the Schwab's drugstore
You wonder if she might be single, she's a loner and likes to mingle
Got to be patient, try and pick up a clue

She said "How you gonna like 'em, over medium or scrambled?",
You say "Anyway's the only way", be careful not to gamble
On a guy with a suitcase and a ticket getting out of here
It's a tired bus station and an old pair of shoes
This ain't nothing but an invitation to the blues

But you can't take your eyes off her, get another cup of java,
It's just the way she pours it for you, joking with the customers
Mercy mercy, Mr. Percy, there ain't nothing back in Jersey
But a broken-down jalopy of a man I left behind
And the dream that I was chasing, and a battle with booze
And an open invitation to the blues

But she used to have a sugar daddy and a candy-apple Caddy,
And a bank account and everything, accustomed to the finer things
He probably left her for a socialite, and he didn't 'cept at night,
And then he's drunk and never even told her that her cared
So they took the registration, and the car-keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation to the blues

'Cause there's a Continental Trailways leaving local bus tonight, good evening
You can have my seat, I'm sticking round here for a while
Get me a room at the Squire, the filling station's hiring,
And I can eat here every night, what the hell have I got to lose?
Got a crazy sensation, go or stay? now I gotta choose,
And I'll accept your invitation to the blues

Get over it

Just because I might be making the right moves to get over you doesn't mean I ever will. Cooking isn't as fun when you're alone.

You still haunt me.

in less than 5 hours

I get up to start my mission of running a whole/half marathon and get my shit into gear.

I have the coffee pot ready to cook.

Hopefully I CAN MAINTAIN MY MOTIVATION

The Dexter Paradox

I'm not talking about the premium cable show, I'm talking about this lil' feller.


See this guy is always coming up with a solution to a problem that doesn't exist. Unfortunately it always goes bad and he has to save the day.

What I call the dexter paradox is: Without dexter, there is no killer-out-of-control-robot. Without dexter, there is no day to save. Without dexter there is no hero.

Unfortunately Dexter is both the protagonist and antagonist in this situation. I don't think kids think this far into the cartoon, but I do.

My friend twit'd "To find what you're looking for, stop looking for it and you'll find it."

This has it's own dexter paradox.

If the process of looking for something, whether it be love, or chemicals on a messy lab bench or even happiness. It is exactly a process. To "stop" looking for it is still apart of that process, whether we admit to it or not.

I love to think, however sometimes thinking gets me into thoughts and worries that I really don't want to think about and shouldn't think about. Then I get angry and depressed with myself, but by the end of it all it is the very same convoluted thought process that gets me out of that rut.

In our lives we are the protagonist, however more often than not, we are also the antagonist. We are the cause of what happens to us and we can choose to be happy, sad, or any other emotion whether we look for it or not.

Too many times I play the role of the antagonist in others lives. Not because I enjoy too, ok I do, but because rarely to people acknowledge their play as the antagonist in their own lives. They've never given any thought to their process and they blindly go through their life thinking that what they are doing is ok and acceptable.

New Playlist

It's been nearly 4 years since I've totally updated my playlist. It's due.

I'm going to drop the shit that doesn't do it for me anymore.

Some songs will remain the same.

Sorry for the terrible copy pasta.

Here is my old playlist:
La Femme D'Argent Air
Sexy Boy Air
Cherry Blossom Girl Air
Alpha Beta Gaga Air
Electronic Performers Air
Playground Love AIR
Surfing On A Rocket Air
Surfing On A Rocket (Tel Aviv Rocket Surfing Remake) (Remixed by Nomo Heroes) Air
Souvenirs Architecture in Helsinki
Imaginary Ordinary Architecture in Helsinki
Scissor Paper Rock Architecture in Helsinki
To And Fro Architecture in Helsinki
The Owls Go Architecture in Helsinki
Its Almost A Trap Architecture In Helsinki
Like a Call Architecture in Helsinki
City Calm Down Architecture in Helsinki
Neverevereverdid Architecture In Helsinki
Wishbone Architecture In Helsinki
Maybe You Can Owe Me Architecture In Helsinki
Do The Whirlwind Architecture In Helsinki
In Case We Die (Part 1-4) Architecture In Helsinki
The Cemetary Architecture In Helsinki
Frenchy, I'm Faking Architecture In Helsinki
Rendezvous Potrero Hill Architecture In Helsinki
What's In Store Architecture In Helsinki
Red Turned White Architecture In Helsinki
Heart It Races Architecture In Helsinki
Hold Music Architecture In Helsinki
Feather In A Baseball Cap Architecture In Helsinki
Underwater Architecture In Helsinki
Like It Ar Not Architecture In Helsinki
Debbie Architecture In Helsinki
Lazy (Lazy) Architecture In Helsinki
Nothing's Wrong Architecture In Helsinki
The Same Old Innocence Architecture In Helsinki
Magical Mystery Tour The Beatles
The Fool on the Hill The Beatles
Flying The Beatles
Blue Jay Way The Beatles
Your Mother Should Know The Beatles
I Am the Walrus The Beatles
Hello Goodbye The Beatles
Strawberry Fields Forever The Beatles
Penny Lane The Beatles
Baby You're a Rich Man The Beatles
All You Need Is Love The Beatles
Drive my car The Beatles
Norwegian wood The Beatles
You Wont See Me The Beatles
Nowhere Man The Beatles
Think For Yourself The Beatles
The Word The Beatles
Michelle The Beatles
The Stars of Track and Field Belle & Sebastian
If You're Feeling Sinister Belle & Sebastian
Another Sunny Day Belle & Sebastian
Beautiful Belle & Sebastian
don't leave the light on baby belle & sebastian
get me away from here, i'm dying Belle & Sebastian
I'm a cuckoo Belle & Sebastian
If she wants me Belle & Sebastian
Is It Wicked Not to Care Belle & Sebastian
Jonathan David Belle & Sebastian
Just a Modern Rock Song Belle & Sebastian
Like Dylan in the Movies Belle & Sebastian
Seeing Other People Belle & Sebastian
Step into my office, baby Belle & Sebastian
Sukie In The Graveyard belle & sebastian
The Boy with the Arab Strap Belle & Sebastian
The Model belle & sebastian
The State I Am In Belle & Sebastian
Waiting for the Moon to Rise Belle & Sebastian
We Rule The School Belle & Sebastian
You don't send me Belle & Sebastian
You're Just A Baby Belle & Sebastian
back of a car big star
In the street Big star
O My Soul Big Star
Thank You Friends Big Star
The Ballad Of El Goodo (Live) Big Star
Thirteen Big Star
Furr Blitzen Trapper
Come Closer, Sisters Bowery Boy Blue
The Sweetest Tooth Camphor
Confidences Shattered Camphor
Proper Rock The Chap
Billy Liar The Decemberists
Los Angeles, I'm Yours The Decemberists
Everything I Try To Do, Nothing Seems To Turn Out Right The Decemberists
Sunshine The Decemberists
Leslie Anne Levine The Decemberists
Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect The Decemberists
July, July! The Decemberists
A Cautionary Song The Decemberists
Odalisque The Decemberists
Cocoon The Decemberists
Grace Cathedral Hill The Decemberists
The Legionnaire's Lament The Decemberists
Clementine The Decemberists
California One/Youth And Beauty Brigade The Decemberists
Oceanside The Decemberists
Shiny The Decemberists
My Mother Was A Chinese Trapeze Artist The Decemberists
Angel, Won't You Call Me? The Decemberists
I Don't Mind The Decemberists
The Apology Song The Decemberists
Shanty for the Arethusa The Decemberists
The Gymnast, High Above the Ground The Decemberists
The Bachelor and the Bride The Decemberists
Song for Myla Goldberg The Decemberists
The Soldiering Life The Decemberists
Red Right Ankle The Decemberists
The Chimbley Sweep The Decemberists
I Was Meant for the Stage The Decemberists
As I Rise The Decemberists
The Infanta The Decemberists
We Both Go Down Together The Decemberists
The Sporting Life The Decemberists
The Bagman's Gambit The Decemberists
From My Own True Love (Lost At Sea) The Decemberists
Sixteen Military Wives The Decemberists
16 Military Wives The Decemberists
The Engine Driver The Decemberists
On the Bus Mall The Decemberists
The Mariner's Revenge Song The Decemberists
Of Angels and Angles The Decemberists
Eli, The Barrowboy The Decemberists
creepin' (on dat ass) dj gyngyvytus
flamboastin android dj gyngyvytus
the national headbustaz anthem dj gyngyvytus
no sizzuruprises dj gyngyvytus
skeet spirit dj gyngyvytus
snaps out dj gyngyvytus
talk show hoes dj gyngyvytus
fitter, hyphier (intro) dj gyngyvytus
Walk Through A Cloud The Donkeys
Intuition Feist
Mushaboom Feist
Piste 3 Feist
Piste 4 Feist
Never Win FischerSpooner
Seasick Free Kitten
Abandon French Kicks
one more dollar Gillian welch
orphan girl Gillian welch
paper wings Gillian welch
alison road Gin blossoms
as long as it matters Gin blossoms
cheatin' Gin blossoms
follow you down Gin blossoms
found out about you Gin blossoms
hands are tied Gin blossoms
hey jealousy Gin blossoms
hold me down Gin blossoms
lost horizons Gin blossoms
til i hear it from you Gin blossoms
until i fall away Gin blossoms
29 Gin blossoms
Touch of Grey The Grateful Dead
Casey Jones The Grateful Dead
Friend of the Devil The Grateful Dead
shakedown street The Grateful dead
Circus World Guided By Voices
hot freaks Guided by Voices
I Am A Scientist Guided By Voices
My Kind Of Soldier Guided By Voices
Skills Like This Guided By Voices
teenage fbi Guided by voices
Wine, Women, and Song Harvey Danger
Cream and Bastards Rise Harvey Danger
Moral Centralia Harvey Danger
Little Round Mirrors Harvey Danger
Happiness Writes White Harvey Danger
Incommunicado Harvey Danger
Cool James Harvey Danger
What You Live By Harvey Danger
War Buddies Harvey Danger
Diminishing Returns Harvey Danger
Flagpole Sitta Harvey Danger
curs in the weeds Horse Feathers
Introduction Hot Hot Heat
Running Out Of Time Hot Hot Heat
Goodnight Goodnight Hot Hot Heat
Ladies and Gentlemen Hot Hot Heat
You Owe Me an IOU Hot Hot Heat
No Jokes - Fact Hot Hot Heat
Jingle Jangle Hot Hot Heat
Pickin' it up Hot Hot Heat
Island Of The Honest Man Hot Hot Heat
Middle Of Nowhere Hot Hot Heat
Dirty Mouth Hot Hot Heat
Soldier In A Box Hot Hot Heat
Shame On You Hot Hot Heat
Elevator Hot Hot Heat
5 Times Out of 100 Hot Hot Heat
Have a Good Sleep Hot Hot Heat
Touch You Touch You Hot Hot Heat
More for Show Hot Hot Heat
Naked in the City Again Hot Hot Heat
No, Not Now Hot Hot Heat
Get In or Get Out Hot Hot Heat
Bandages Hot Hot Heat
Oh, Goddamnit Hot Hot Heat
Aveda Hot Hot Heat
This Town Hot Hot Heat
Talk to Me, Dance With Me Hot Hot Heat
Save Us S.O.S. Hot Hot Heat
In Cairo Hot Hot Heat
I Blew a Fuse in my Personality Hot Hot Heat
Evil Interpol
Narc Interpol
not even jail interpol
Obstacle 2 Interpol
Pda Interpol
Say Hello To The Angels Interpol
Untitled Interpol
Promise What You Will Iron & Wine
Sea And The Rhythm Iron & Wine
The Trapeze Swinger Iron & Wine
Sinning Hands Iron & Wine
Naked As We Came Iron & Wine
Cinders And Smoke Iron & Wine
Teeth In The Grass Iron & Wine
Love And Some Verses Iron & Wine
Radio War Iron & Wine
Each Coming Night Iron & Wine
Fever Dream Iron & Wine
Sodom, South Georgia Iron & Wine
Passing Afternoon Iron & Wine
Woman King Iron & Wine
Jezebel Iron & Wine
Grey Stables Iron & Wine
Freedom Hangs Like Heaven Iron & Wine
Sunset Soon Forgotten Iron & Wine
Jesus the Mexican Boy Iron & Wine
Lions Mane Iron & Wine
Southern Anthem Iron & Wine
such great heights Iron & Wine
Prison on Route 41 Iron & Wine And Calexico
History Of Lovers Iron & Wine And Calexico
Red Dust Iron & Wine And Calexico
bad time Jayhawks
I'd Run Away Jayhawks
I'm Gonna Make You Love Me Jayhawks
Smile Jayhawks
What Led Me To This Town Jayhawks
Everybody Here Wants You Jeff Buckley
forget her jeff buckley
Grace (L.P.version) jeff buckley
hallelujah Jeff buckley
last goodbye Jeff buckley
Lover, You Should've Come Over Jeff Buckley
so real Jeff buckley
Unforgiven (Last Goodbye) (Live) Jeff Buckley
Palmyra Jolie Holland
Picture Book The Kinks
More More More Kylie Minogue
Love At First Sight Kylie Minogue
Can't Get You Out Of My Head Kylie Minogue
Fever Kylie Minogue
Give It To Me Kylie Minogue
Fragile Kylie Minogue
Come Into My World Kylie Minogue
In Your Eyes Kylie Minogue
Dancefloor Kylie Minogue
Love Affair Kylie Minogue
Your Love Kylie Minogue
Burning Up Kylie Minogue
Why Can't I? Liz Phair
flower Liz phair
fuck&run Liz phair
polyester bride Liz phair
stratford-on-guy Liz phair
super nova Liz phair
6'1 Liz phair
Extraordinary Liz Phair
take ecstasy with me Magentic fields
Teenage Love Magic Wands
Lock and Key Mason Proper
A Prayer For England Massive Attack
Angel Massive Attack
Black Milk Massive Attack
Daydreaming Massive Attack
I Am Home Massive Attack
Inertia Creeps Massive Attack
Karmacoma Massive Attack
P Is For Piano Massive Attack
Polaroid Girl Massive Attack
Protection Massive Attack
Risingson Massive Attack
Silent Spring Massive Attack
Small Time Shot Away Massive Attack
Weather Storm Massive Attack
What Your Soul Sings Massive Attack
My Only Offer Mates of State
Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well Mike Doughty
Unsingable Name Mike Doughty
Madeline and Nine Mike Doughty
Busting Up a Starbucks Mike Doughty
American Car Mike Doughty
I Hear the Bells Mike Doughty
Sunken-Eyed Girl Mike Doughty
Grey Ghost Mike Doughty
His Truth Is Marching On Mike Doughty
Your Misfortune Mike Doughty
Down On The River By The Sugar Plant Mike Doughty
The Only Answer Mike Doughty
The Pink Life Mike Doughty
Real Love/It's Only Life Mike Doughty
No Peace, Los Angeles Mike Doughty
Where Have You Gone? Mike Doughty
Thank You, Lord for Sending Me the F Train Mike Doughty
Looks Mike Doughty
Shunned + Falsified Mike Doughty
All the Dirt Mike Doughty
Sweet Lord in Heaven Mike Doughty
Language Barrier Mike Doughty
Rising Sign Mike Doughty
Ways + Means Mike Doughty
27 Jennifers Mike Doughty
40 Grand in the Hole Mike Doughty
Ossining Mike Doughty
Cash Cow Mike Doughty
The Only Answer [*] Mike Doughty
Move On (Bloom Like the Sunlight in My Song) [*] Mike Doughty
I Failed to Use It [*] Mike Doughty
Laundrytown [*] Mike Doughty
Get Along [*] Mike Doughty
Down on the River Mike Doughty
White Lexus Mike Doughty
Thanks for the Killer Game of Crisco® Twister Minus the Bear
Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!! Minus the Bear
Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse Minus the Bear
Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Minus the Bear
Get Me Naked 2: Electric Boogaloo Minus the Bear
We Are Not a Football Team Minus the Bear
You Kill Bugs Good, Man Minus the Bear
Spritz!!! Spritz!!! Minus the Bear
Women We Haven't Met Yet Minus the Bear
Damn Bugs Whacked Him, Johnny Minus the Bear
I Lost All My Money at the Cock Fights Minus the Bear
Andy Wolff Minus the Bear
Let's Play Guitar in a Five Guitar Band Minus the Bear
Booyah Achieved Minus the Bear
The Game Needed Me Minus the Bear
Memphis and 53rd Minus the Bear
Drilling Minus the Bear
The Fix Minus the Bear
El Torrente Minus the Bear
Pachuca Sunrise Minus the Bear
Michio's Death Drive Minus the Bear
Hooray Minus the Bear
The Pig War Minus the Bear
This Ain't a Surfin Movie Minus the Bear
Willful Suspension Of Disbelief Modest Mouse
Night On The Sun Modest Mouse
3 Inch Horses, Two Faced Monsters Modest Mouse
You're The Good Things Modest Mouse
The Air Modest Mouse
So Much Beauty In Dirt Modest Mouse
Here It Comes Modest Mouse
I Came As A Rat (Long Walk Off A Short Dock) Modest Mouse
The World at Large Modest Mouse
Ocean Breathes Salty Modest Mouse
Dig Your Grave Modest Mouse
Bury Me With It Modest Mouse
Horn Intro Modest Mouse
Dance Hall Modest Mouse
Bukowski Modest Mouse
This Devil's Workday Modest Mouse
The View Modest Mouse
Satin In A Coffin Modest Mouse
Interlude (Milo) Modest Mouse
Blame It On The Tetons Modest Mouse
Black Cadillacs Modest Mouse
One Chance Modest Mouse
The Good Times Are Killing Me Modest Mouse
Teeth Like God's Shoeshine Modest Mouse
Heart Cooks Brain Modest Mouse
Convenient Parking Modest Mouse
Lounge (Closing Time) Modest Mouse
Jesus Christ Was An Only Child Modest Mouse
Doin' The Cockroach Modest Mouse
Cowboy Dan Modest Mouse
Trailer Trash Modest Mouse
Out Of Gas Modest Mouse
Long Distance Drunk Modest Mouse
Shit Luck Modest Mouse
Truckers Atlas Modest Mouse
Polar Opposites Modest Mouse
Bankrupt On Selling Modest Mouse
Styrofoam Boots/ It's All Nice On Ice, Alright Modest Mouse
What People Are Made Of Modest Mouse
Dark Center Of The Universe Modest Mouse
Perfect Disguise Modest Mouse
A Different City Modest Mouse
The Cold Part Modest Mouse
Alone Down There Modest Mouse
The Stars Are Projectors Modest Mouse
Paper Thin Walls Modest Mouse
I Came As A Rat Modest Mouse
Lives Modest Mouse
Life Like Weeds Modest Mouse
3rd Planet (BBC Radio Session) Modest Mouse
Perfect Disguise (BBC Radio Session) Modest Mouse
Custom Concern (Instrumental) Modest Mouse
Tiny Cities Made Of Ashes (BBC Radio Session) Modest Mouse
Dramamine Modest Mouse
Breakthrough Modest Mouse
Custom Concern Modest Mouse
Might Modest Mouse
Lounge Modest Mouse
Beach Side Property Modest Mouse
The Ionizes & Atomizes Modest Mouse
Make Everyone Happy/Mechanical Birds Modest Mouse
Ionizes & Atomizes Modest Mouse
Head South Modest Mouse
Dog Paddle Modest Mouse
Novocain Stain Modest Mouse
Tundra/Desert Modest Mouse
Ohio Modest Mouse
Exit Does Not Exist Modest Mouse
Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset Modest Mouse
Space Travel Is Boring Modest Mouse
March into the Sea Modest Mouse
Dashboard Modest Mouse
Fire It Up Modest Mouse
Florida Modest Mouse
Parting of the Sensory Modest Mouse
Missed the Boat Modest Mouse
We've Got Everything Modest Mouse
Fly Trapped in a Jar Modest Mouse
Education Modest Mouse
Little Motel Modest Mouse
Steam Engenius Modest Mouse
Spitting Venom Modest Mouse
People as Places as People Modest Mouse
Invisible Modest Mouse
float on modest mouse
Gravity Rides Everything Modest Mouse
she ionizes and atomizes modest mouse
The Ocean Breathes Salty Modest Mouse
Tiny Cities Made Of Ashes Modest Mouse
Wild Packs Of Family Dogs Modest Mouse
3rd Planet Modest Mouse
The Sun Smells Too Loud Mogwai
a good woman is hard to find Morphine
ahead with wings Morphine
buena Morphine
candy Morphine
cure for pain Morphine
gone for good Morphine
hanging on a curtain Morphine
honey white Morphine
i had my chance Morphine
i know you (part iii) Morphine
i'm free now Morphine
let's take a trip together Morphine
mary won't you call my name Morphine
sharks Morphine
so many ways Morphine
the night Morphine
the saddest song Morphine
Body of Years Mother Mother
Dull Reason Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band
New Born Muse
Bliss Muse
Space Dementia Muse
Hyper Music Muse
Plug in Baby Muse
Citizen Erased Muse
Micro Cuts Muse
Screenager Muse
Dark Shines Muse
Feeling Good Muse
Megalomania Muse
Apocalypse Please Muse
Blackout Muse
Butterflies and Hurricanes Muse
Endlessly Muse
Falling Away With You Muse
Hysteria Muse
Interlude Muse
muscle museum Muse
Ruled by Secrecy Muse
Showbiz Muse
Sing For Absolution Muse
Stockholm Syndrome Muse
Supermassive Black Hole Muse
Thoughts of a Dying Atheist Muse
Time Is Running Out Muse
TSP Muse
Unintended Muse
I Like What You Say Nada Surf
A Baby For Pree Neutral Milk Hotel
communist daughter neutral milk hotel
ghost neutral milk hotel
holland, 1945 neutral milk hotel
in the aeroplane over the sea neutral milk hotel
oh comely neutral milk hotel
two-headed boy neutral milk hotel
Where You'll Find Me Now Neutral Milk Hotel
At The Chime Of A City Clock Nick Drake
Black Eyed Dog Nick Drake
Cello Song Nick Drake
Fly Nick Drake
From The Morning Nick Drake
Hazey Jane 2 Nick Drake
Northern Sky Nick Drake
Poor Boy Nick Drake
Rider On The Wheel Nick Drake
River Man Nick Drake
Road Nick Drake
Sunday Nick Drake
Things Behind The Sun Nick Drake
Tow The Line Nick Drake
Voice From The Mountain Nick Drake
Which Will Nick Drake
Nonpareil Of Favor of Montreal
Id Engager of Montreal
Sleepyhead Passion Pit
Rattled By The Rush Pavement
Sleeping In The Postal Service
This Place Is A Prison The Postal Service
Brand New Colony The Postal Service
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight The Postal Service
Such Great Heights The Postal Service
Nothing Better The Postal Service
Recycled Air The Postal Service
Clark Gable The Postal Service
We Will Become Silhouettes The Postal Service
Natural Anthem The Postal Service
theres never enough time The Postal Service
Be Still My Heart The Postal Service
Nothing Better (styrofoam remix) The Postal Service
We Will Become Silhouettes (matthew dear's not scared mix) The Postal Service
clark gable the postal service
such great heights the postal service
Suddenly Everything Has Changed The Postal Service
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight The Postal Service
The Dream Of Ev the postal service
There's Never Enough Time The Postal Service
Tora Tora Tora Pretty & Nice
Dying Is Fine Ra Ra Riot
Steady, As She Goes The Raconteurs
Hands The Raconteurs
Broken Boy Soldier The Raconteurs
Intimate Secretary The Raconteurs
Together The Raconteurs
Level The Raconteurs
Store Bought Bones The Raconteurs
Yellow Sun The Raconteurs
Call It A Day The Raconteurs
Blue Veins The Raconteurs
Portions for Foxes Rilo Kiley
Absence of God Rilo Kiley
More Adventurous Rilo Kiley
Secret Song rilo kiley
Go Ahead Rilo Kiley
Science vs. Romance Rilo Kiley
Plane Crash in C Rilo Kiley
Bulletproof Rilo Kiley
Small Figures in a Vast Expanse Rilo Kiley
Don't Deconstruct Rilo Kiley
Always I Rilo Kiley
Rest of My Life Rilo Kiley
The Good That Won't Come Out Rilo Kiley
Paint's Peeling Rilo Kiley
So Long Rilo Kiley
My Slumbering Heart Rilo Kiley
Frug Rilo Kiley
Papillon Rilo Kiley
Always Rilo Kiley
Asshole Rilo Kiley
Silver Lining Rilo Kiley
Close Call Rilo Kiley
The Moneymaker Rilo Kiley
Breakin' Up Rilo Kiley
Under the Blacklight Rilo Kiley
Dreamworld Rilo Kiley
Dejalo Rilo Kiley
15 Rilo Kiley
August Rilo Kiley
Teenage Love Song Rilo Kiley
Laura Scissor Sisters
Lovers in the Back Seat Scissor Sisters
Electrobix Scissor Sisters
Bicycling With the Devil Scissor Sisters
Good Boys Scissor Sisters
Good Boys (Scissor Sisters' Gyad Byas Myax Ya Mix Extended) Scissor Sisters
Better Luck Next Time Scissor Sisters
It Can't Come Quickly Enough Scissor Sisters
Take Me Out (Live Lounge) (Franz Ferdinand cover) Scissor Sisters
Music Is The Victim Scissor Sisters
Monkey Baby Scissor Sisters
Better Luck Scissor Sisters
Comfortably Numb Scissor Sisters
Comfortably Numb (Tiga Remix) Scissor Sisters
Mary Scissor Sisters
Take Your Mama Out Scissor Sisters
The Skins Scissor Sisters
Tits On The Radio Scissor Sisters
get it get it Scissor Sisters
Filthy And Gorgeous Scissors Sisters
Atomic Heels The Secret Machines
Rebel Rebel Seu Jorge
Life on Mars? Seu Jorge
Ziggy Stardust Seu Jorge
Lady Stardust Seu Jorge
Changes Seu Jorge
Oh! You Pretty Things Seu Jorge
Rock n' Roll Suicide Seu Jorge
Suffragette City Seu Jorge
Five Years Seu Jorge
Team Zissou Seu Jorge
Starman Seu Jorge
Queen Bitch Seu Jorge
When I Live my Dream Seu Jorge
Quicksand Seu Jorge
Kissing The Lipless The Shins
So Says I The Shins
Young Pilgrams The Shins
A Call To Apathy [tentative title] The Shins
Mine's Not a High Horse The Shins
Saint Simon The Shins
Fighting in a Sack The Shins
Turn a Square The Shins
Gone for Good The Shins
Those to Come The Shins
Caring Is Creepy The Shins
One by One All Day The Shins
Weird Divide The Shins
Know Your Onion The Shins
Know Your Onion! The Shins
Girl Inform Me The Shins
New Slang The Shins
The Celibate Life The Shins
The Celibrate Life The Shins
Girl on the Wing The Shins
Your Algebra The Shins
Pressed in a Book The Shins
The Past and Pending The Shins
We Will Become Silhouettes The Shins
Sleeping Lessons The Shins
Australia The Shins
Pam Berry The Shins
Phantom Limb The Shins
Sea Legs The Shins
Red Rabbits The Shins
Turn On Me The Shins
Black Wave The Shins
Split Needles The Shins
Girl Sailor The Shins
A Comet Appears The Shins
pink bullets the shins
when i goosestep The Shins
Gobbledigook Sigur Rós
Shakespeare's Sister The Smiths
Handsome Devil The Smiths
I Know It's Over The Smiths
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out The Smiths
William, It Was Really Nothing The Smiths
The Queen Is Dead The Smiths
Unloveable The Smiths
I Turn My Camera On Spoon
anything you want Spoon
believing is art Spoon
chicago at night Spoon
everything hits at once Spoon
I Could See The Dude Spoon
lines in the suit Spoon
me&bean Spoon
take a walk Spoon
take the fifth Spoon
the fitted shirt Spoon
this book is a movie Spoon
Two Sides/Monsieur Valentine Spoon
1020 am Spoon
Cold Son Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
Baltimore Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
Turn the Page The Streets
Has It Come to This? The Streets
Let's Push Things Forward The Streets
Same Old Thing The Streets
Geezers Need Excitement The Streets
Too Much Brandy The Streets
Don't Mug Yourself The Streets
The Irony of It All The Streets
Weak Become Heroes The Streets
Stay Positive The Streets
Dry Your Eyes Mate The Streets
Fit But You Know It The Streets
Not Addicted The Streets
Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois Sufjan Stevens
The Black Hawk War, Or, How To Demolish An Entire Civilization And Still Feel Good About Yourself In The Morning, Or, We Apologize For The Inconvenience But You're Going To Have To Leave Now, Or... Sufjan Stevens
Jacksonville Sufjan Stevens
Decatur, Or, Round Of Applause For Your Stepmother! Sufjan Stevens
Chicago Sufjan Stevens
Casimir Pulaski Day Sufjan Stevens
To The Workers Of The Rock River Valley Region, I Have An Idea Concerning Your Predicament Sufjan Stevens
The Man Of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts Sufjan Stevens
Prairie Fire That Wanders About Sufjan Stevens
The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us! Sufjan Stevens
They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh! Sufjan Stevens
The Seer's Tower Sufjan Stevens
The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders Sufjan Stevens
Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of Mankind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run Sufjan Stevens
Say Yes! To Michigan Sufjan Stevens
Flint (For the Unemployed and Underpaid) Sufjan Stevens
All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace! Sufjan Stevens
For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti Sufjan Stevens
Say Yes! to M!ch!gan! Sufjan Stevens
The Upper Peninsula Sufjan Stevens
Tahquamenon Falls Sufjan Stevens
Holland Sufjan Stevens
Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!) Sufjan Stevens
Romulus Sufjan Stevens
Sleeping Bear, Sault Saint Marie Sufjan Stevens
They Also Mourn Who Do Not Wear Black (For the Homeless in Muskegon) Sufjan Stevens
Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? ...) Sufjan Stevens
Redford (For Yia-Yia & Pappou) Sufjan Stevens
Vito's Ordination Song Sufjan Stevens
What It Takes Supersuckers
Building Skyscrapers in the Basement Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone? Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
I'm a Ghost Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The High Party Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Hearts of Oak Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Ballad of the Sin Eater Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Dead Voices Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Anointed One Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Bridges, Squares Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Tell Balgeary, Balgury Is Dead Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
2nd Ave, 11AM Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
First to Finish, Last to Start Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Crane Takes Flight Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Biomusicology Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Parallel or Together? Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Under the Hedge Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Dial Up Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Timorous Me Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Stove By a Whale Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Great Communicator Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Squeaky Fingers Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
My Vien IIin Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Gold Finch and the Red Oak Tree Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
St. John the Divine Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
You Could Die (Or This Might End) Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Counting Down the Hours Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Me and Mia Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The Angles' Share Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
The One Who Got Us Out Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Heart Problems Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Criminal Piece Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Better Dead than Lead Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Shake the Sheets Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Bleeding Powers Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Walking To Do Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
Lebanese Blonde Thievery Corperation
Lagos Communique Thievery Corporation
Richest Man In Babylon (G-Corp. Remix) Thievery Corporation
Interlude Thievery Corporation
The State Of The Union Thievery Corporation
Un Simple Histoire (A Simple Story) Thievery Corporation
Until The Morning Thievery Corporation
J. Smith Travis
angel on my bike Wallflowers
birdcage (incl. bonus) Wallflowers
delivered Wallflowers
god don't make lonely girls Wallflowers
hand me down Wallflowers
i wish i felt nothing Wallflowers
laughing out loud Wallflowers
letters from the wasteland Wallflowers
mourning train Wallflowers
murder 101 Wallflowers
one headlight Wallflowers
some flowers bloom dead Wallflowers
three marlenas Wallflowers
up from under Wallflowers
witness Wallflowers
6th avenue heartache Wallflowers, the
Ladysmith The Wanteds
Hasten Down The Wind Warren Zevon
I'll Slow You Down Warren Zevon
Keep Me In Your Heart Warren Zevon
Mr. Bad Example Warren Zevon
It's Just That Simple Wilco
I Am Trying To Break Your Heart Wilco
Kamera Wilco
Radio Cure Wilco
War On War Wilco
Jesus, Etc. Wilco
Ashes Of American Flags Wilco
Heavy Metal Drummer Wilco
I'm The Man Who Loves You Wilco
Pot Kettle Black Wilco
Poor Places Wilco
Being There I Wilco
Dreamer in My Dreams Wilco
ELT Wilco
Hotel Arizona Wilco
I Shall Be Released Wilco w/Fleet Foxes
Muzzle Of Bees Wilco
She's a jar Wilco
Someone Else's Song Wilco
Theologians Wilco
Will markwardt - Will markwardt
oxygen Willy Mason
Call It A Ritual Wolf Parade
Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind Yo La Tengo
I Feel Like Going Home Yo La Tengo
The Summer Yo La Tengo

On Doubts

Nights like this - I have my doubts.

I have my doubts that I deserve a PhD in chemistry, I have doubts that I'm smart enough. However it is reassuring that I don't have to make that decision, I can only try to bust my ass for results. Ultimately it isn't my choice, it is the choice of my committee. If they don't think I deserve one, I cannot argue with them, I picked them for their ability to guide me through this process.

This isn't their PhD. it is mine. I am a drain my boss's resources and I need to repay him for that time lost by getting results.

But in that, it is still a scary proposition. People seem to be dropping like flies from the program, through various channels.

I don't have a plan if I got a MS, but It doesn't mean I'm scared to leave with one, it would be a minor setback. It would probably motivate me more to work harder, learn more and be more productive. I could get a teaching license in Minnesota and teach high school chemistry. I could go on and get a PhD in Chemical Education, try law school etc.

The world really is my oyster and as cliche as it sounds I really have my doubts about what I want out of it. One this is for sure, it's not worth staring at for extended periods of time without gaining some knowledge.

On Friends

I love my friends, they are raw, honest. They are the same person around me as they are around others. They aren't two faced. I respect that.

My friends are smart, they really understand how much I need them in difficult times and have performed marvelously.

My friends genuinely care about me, and I genuinely care about them.

I have the greatest friends in the world.

I need to tell them more often.

Fascination with the extremely simple, making it extremely complex.

Symmetry (2, 3) is everything. It is the balance of life. It really is everywhere. They are using it's principles to find the Higg-Boson, it is vital in the selection of a mate, to the importance of how a drug interacts with our body.

The most interesting thing to me about symmetry is how complex it can be, and yet deceptively simple (watch the ted videos above for examples). No matter what you do you cannot create a new form of symmetry. They've already been discovered.

However unsymmetrical things are far more interesting. Which is why everyone from Japanese builders to the Amish would put imperfections into their work. Granted they had their different reasons, but it's the same end result.

A contemporary example of the failure of symmetry is Tiger's infidelity. The worlds greatest golfer is not the worlds greatest husband. Well duh.

Consider it this way. If the more you work at one aspect of your life over others, the more they will be deficient. If you put more effort into your personal life you'll have less time for your professional life. If you put more time into practicing golfing, you have less time to practice lying to your wife.

Better yet, use this graphic i stole from GIS, if you are great in leadership, you might be deficient in resources, since they may or may not be related.

Now imagine everything you are capable of is in emanating from a point (you) shining like a star. The better you become the stronger more intense your light is. The trick is not to grow (glow) in one direction more than another, the trick is to grow slowly and gradually, filling in deficiencies where you can. As you grow, your volume [V= 4/3(pi)r^3] increases by a power of three.

It's about balance or the desire for balance. I desire balance in my life. I desire to grow evenly, I have no intention of being the best home-run hitter if I become the worst lover for example.

I want to grow like a sphere, not a cube, I want to be the ultimate in symmetrical. Unaltering single entity. Both in 1 dimension and in the 10th.

Innovate or Die

Well, more like stagnate.

Innovation is a culmination of hardwork and the pursuit of dreams. Despite what some people actually think about me, I have dreams, a set of career goals in mind.

1) Finish PhD.

2) Pursue Post-Doc opportunity somewhere very promising

3) Get a good job specializing in undergrad and highschool research opportunities at a 4 year college.

4) Travel.

5) Innovate.

It bothers me when people don't pursue their dreams, it bothers me to hear people say "Oh I wish I could paint" or "Something like the previous statement." Whatever happened to people who wanted to be ninjas when they grew up or cowboys. What changed from then to now, that makes you still work at a target with a college fucking degree with no chance of moving up the management chain? Why would anyone go to school to learn a fucking trade, skill set or subject not to contribute to it?

You're all a bunch of lazy asses and it pisses me off.

I am innovating right now, and I will continue to. There are millions of mistakes I need to make along the way first, but when I'm done with all of that, I'll be the best of the best because I want to be.

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. - Niels Bohr

Reality

It is not, nor will it ever be my job to make you happy. From the beginning of the day, to the end of the day, the only person I absolutely have to answer to is myself. The same goes for you.

I love myself, and there aren't a lot of people that can say that about themselves. It does come off as cocky, it is selfish and arrogant but there isn't anything I cannot succeed at if I don't try. I am always working to make myself better. Now, it is my school work and my researching duties, the extra time I fill with going to the gym (getting stronger and healthier), with my friends (laughing and having a good time). My life is complete.

In two year I'll be out of here, perhaps I'll stay in the US, perhaps I'll go to another country to pursue more education. I love learning, I love applying it, and I love teaching it. I thrive on the process.

My third paper was accepted into an RSC journal a couple weeks ago. I'm excited for the interests it may cause.

I have started writing my first paper by myself. It's a process, it's a lot of fun, and it is certainly a lot to learn.

I am very happy, I'm happy being single, I'm happy with the direction my life, my interests and my future is headed.

To make yourself happy is really fucking easy. 1 part motivation. 1. part determination. 98 parts wading through the shit.

Internalization

Despite what I lead people to believe. I do see beauty in things, lots of beauty. To the complex growth of a tree, to the way light bounces from a window to a passing car to a can of coke and eventually blinding me, annoying me for but a passing second.

I love the thought process of an animal, what it does, thinks about. How it decides to go from one place to another, what it decides is comfortable and what is not.

The problem is that I internalize these things, I cannot wonder out loud about the growth of a crystal or the advance of my knowledge. The times I do speak on the process of nature, it seems like incoherent babbling.

Perhaps I'm too easily distracted.

Losing it

I shouldn't read my ex's journal entries from 3 years ago. I don't know what they would say now I'm sure it would include how much of a shit I am.

I don't know what to say other than I loved her more than anything, more than school, more than my computer, more than knowledge itself. She was the absolute beacon of happiness in myself and I feel like I ruined it, I just let it burn to the ground.

People expect me to be hurt for a while, they expect me to bury myself into my work. If anything I feel like i need a break from most things right now, this apartment, this job, this emotional state.

I cannot do this on my own, somethings require help from friends. Unfortunately most of them are too far away or too busy to babysit me during these difficult times.

I hate Sundays.

Lifestyle Changes

This breakup seems more like a divorce than anything. You get this, I get that. When you don't need X I'll take care of it until Y.

It's frustrating, because it does occupy both of our time too much. For once we are trying to avoid spending time together.

This whole progress is time-consuming and aggravating. All this extra work sucks.

I have to grade, and prepare a lecture for tomorrow, and hopefully study for next Saturday's cumes.

Stress

I'm terrible when dealing with stress, I've always just wanted to sleep through it. If I sleep, then procrastinate long enough. When it comes down to brass tacks, I'll just jump all over whatever I need to do, I won't have time to worry about time-lines, it will just get done.

Last week, while dealing with the new graduate students, I knew I was stressed, and I would just get angry, at them, myself everyone. I need a new way to cope with my stress.

With 3911 I was the same way, I never dealt with it properly. I was short, angry, vicious, vindictive, selfish and shut-in.

Seeking help in dealing with stress, I hope it helps, I want to change it. I need to change it.

Right now I've got too many projects, too many for one graduate student should. If I don't find a way to cope with my stress, I will not be very successful.

Meditations on being alone

We all need our fellow man, we all need our Samaritan.

That being said, being alone is a powerful problem we all encounter. Even while interacting with others we choose to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Until we announce them. During this breakup the things that are hardest for me are to maintain a healthy living schedule. Get up on time, go to bed on time, etc. These things are not always easy.

I hate being alone, I always prefer to have someone to talk to, whether it be about life, chemistry, sports etc. Being alone causes ones mind to focus on things they necessarily wouldn't focus on. Music doesn't help much right now, songs always change, and with it, their perceived message.

A happy song can make me sad, and a sad song can be empowering and a jazz song might make me angry etc. The intent of the song isn't fullfilling the desired emotion anymore. Black is white, up is down. Determined Barry is indifferent and apathetic.

However being alone does give me the ability to hopefully focus on the required tasks at hand. Or screw them up completely.

Chop Wood Haul Water

My new mantra, I've used it before.

I've gone through this before, and as I type I have a cat burrowing under my left arm. She knows whats up, she knows she's leaving in couple month, no one to wrestle her anymore. If anything I'll miss Kitteh the longest.

My mantra, "chop wood haul water" is so simple yet has so many meanings. I'm going to write it everyday on the mirror before I brush my teeth. Just keep working and you'll get through this.

Chopping wood, compartmentalizing problems, breaking them down. You cannot carry a tree, it is too much of a burden to do so. Chop it up into more manageable problems and you've solved the problem.

Haul water, carry what you need with you, these are the lessons learned. Water is vital for life, lessons are vital for the soul. This is your friend, this is the happy moments that you'll never regret. You wouldn't bother carrying bad water. Take the good and leave the bad.

Everyday I'll mutter these to myself, everyday since it happened I have been muttering it to myself. It doesn't control the anger, it does make it more manageable, more focused and more useful that outright fear, sadness, etc.

It's not easy to lose someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life, eventually you'll get over it, eventually I'll get over it.

By chopping wood and hauling water.

Lessons

1. Give Space

2. Treat Her Right

3. ?

3 Years 9 Months and 11Days

From I-HOP to I-hate you 3 years 9 months and 11 days of being with someone is a relatively long time for a relationship. I guess it's over, I guess it's not my decision to make. I've just stood by being patient, to patient. The man of action being patient.

If I remember all of the good/wonderful times we had together I guess my heart will remain broken forever. If I remember all of the plans we had made for the future I'll never move from this spot until the day I day.

If I remember all of the fights/ arguments we had together I guess my heart will remain cold, as so many people accuse me of already. If I remember all of things that made me so inexplicably confused by her, my head-spins much like a bed does after a hard night on the town.

The truth is, I am hurt.

The expectations of a wonderful future are disappearing faster than the last 3 years 9 mo and 11days. A sad song, and a sat cat are really all that occupy my physical space anymore. I'm a prisoner in my home, in my room. A vastly different room than it was at the beginning of this month.

My downfall may be my salvation contact with the outside world, a real world is only readily achieved through a laptop computer. This repression without expression leads to depression mantra that I've chanted so many times before is resonating only slightly louder than the Chet Baker that plays through the speakers.

Before enlightenment chop wood and eat rice, after being enlightened chop wood and eat rice.

So many things to say, so many emotions and when I try I get nothing but a whimper and a squeak. Much like how I treated everything for these 3 years 9months and 11days.

I loved her, I loved her wet hair itching my face at night, I loved her kisses on the back of my neck while I worked. I loved everything, I love the fantastic, I loved the good, mediocre and and poor, everything.

I wasn't a proclaimer but I would have walked 500 miles for her.

So many things were right, and yet I proceeded to do so many things wrong, everything was wrong, but I was blinded by her, the future and especially my own arrogance. I didn't expect it happen, and I thought if I did I wouldn't be upset, again arrogance.

How can you hurt someone who's so incredibly lucky. How can you bring down a man who has found something so special. Only by losing it.

My life is now a mess. I have a complete lack of drive.

There are so many things we did, and so many things we've missed out on. I loved you, I love you.

Oh how I love you.

Becoming PhD.

I think another responsibility of becoming a professor is the insane ability to disappear and reappear when you chose to, and answer emails seconds after receiving them, regardless of how far away from your computer you actually are.

Trig

I can't believe that I know as much as I do about trig. Teaching the little lady wasn't as frustrating as I thought it would be.

Losing It

I think as a prerequisite to have a PhD you have to be oblivious to some aspect of life. I think I've been "losing" it the last couple weeks. Perhaps it's the chemicals killing my brain, perhaps it's the countless things I've thinking about at any given time, but I know it's happening.

I have been forgetting things lately, forgetting my keys, phone, power supply logging out of some computer somewhere. I can't believe it's happening to me this soon. Granted it's not as bad as some people who can't use computers, or communicate to people but it is something.

I hope this is just a phase, and not a requirement for PhD's.

I gave up on facebook

I think slowly... little by little...

MY DRAMATIC CHANGES tend to work.

As I've given up on facebook for various reasons, including but not limited to playing pointless games and waste countless hours a month/week/day/hour

I find more time for more things to focus on.

It's odd, the people that I enjoy I don't need facebook to bother, I can bother them in person or on the phone. For the people that I don't care about, yeah I won't be in contact with them, but I don't really care about that.

I have more time for school and the gym and studying and improving my living conditions, but not watching whether or not someone is done with work or going out of town for the weekend.

I do miss my status updates however.

Helpless

It's been a while since I've posted in the state I am in.

3 questions should be asked about the previous statement:
1. What state are you in?
2. Why haven't you posted in this state (assuming this is common)
3. What is so special about tonight?

1. Kinda drunk.

2. The last time I posted in this state, some guy was hitting on me be leaving messages.

3. It's one of the first nights I've let myself go in a while. Even though I've only had 4 drinks, (one Guinness, 3 Jameson on the rocks.

I miss my baby.

I like glenn beck

To the music of Baby Got Back:

I like Glenn Beck and I cannot lie,
You other republicans can't deny,
When Glenn walks in the a shit eating grin
and a tear run'n down his face you get gun,
get yer gun!
'cuz the worlds coming undone
That Christmas Sweater he's wear'n
I'm hooked and I can't stop swear'n
Oh Glenn I support you,
Now show those pictures!
O'Reilly's tryin to warn me
those demoncrats are going to scorn me.
Glenn Beck! Glenn Beck!
Trying to stop those immigrants from getting in
Tell me, tell me
what should I do when I capture them
we could report 'em
we could deport 'em
I like to see you sweat, get upset
Babbling like PTSD Vet
I'm tired of these Olbermans
Saying be nice to the fellow man
Take the average republicans
ask him that
and they'll say "you gotta fight back"
So rednecks (Yeah!) rednecks (Yeah!)
Wanna kill some one! (Hell yeah)
Tell'em to shoot em (Shoot 'em) Shoot em (shoot em)
Shoot them with your gun
Bubba Glenn Beck

Grilling

I've recently assembled my first grill and I am off to a great start (IMO).

I cooked chicken drummies today, I made a so-so Dr. Pepper chicken, the skin is quite interesting. However my favorite chicken I've made so far is;

Sriracha Agave Chicken:

1/4 Cup Agave Nectar
1/2 Cup Soy Sauce
1/4 Cup Sriracha Sauce
2 Cloves of garlic
A bunch of pickled ginger.

Marinade for >12hrs

Grill until done, enjoy.

Overall, a very sweet and spicy chicken that I'm guessing is hard to beat.

Things to learn

I've always wanted to make a list of everything I wanted to learn, and know. Not be an expert at, but be confident in those fields to satiate my knowledge.

I need to understand physical chemistry better, considering that's what I'm getting a degree in.

Ends?

My everlasting pursuit of knowledge is limited in only wondering how far I could have gotten If I had tried harder. Where would I be, who would I be. The choices in the past direct us to the future, surely there can be only one path, but the options are infinite.

My endless pursuit of one-ups-manship of those who have spited me have gotten me farther than most I know, however assuming I didn't set out to acheive more than the rest, would I still be here? The competition isn't the motivation, but rather the challenge of success.

Many I know fear it, avoid it. I thrive for it, even in failure I can get some success out of it, even if it is the lesson of working harder. It's 2:45 am and I'm at the 60min of UV/VIS monitoring of my compound. I will be tired tomorrow but eventually it will be all worth it. Right?

Snow Kitteh

WTf... Frohzen Kitteh Litterz?







Mah Pawz iz stuk!








Rly... Not Kewl U Guyz...







Mah Toez iz Coldz!







I haz ennuf...

Organic Lab Conversations

Girl 1 : "Dog dog dog"
Girl 2: "Dog! Dog dog dog Dog""
Girl 3 : "Dog"
Girl 2 : "Dog? dog dog?"
Girl 1 : "Dog dog dog"
Girl 2: "Dog! dog? dog!"
Girl 1 : "Dog!"
Girl 2 : "Dog dog"

Girl 1 : "Baby!"
Girl 2 : "Oh Baby"
Girl 3 : "Baby!, Oh Baby"
Girl 2: "Baby Sittin' Baby"
Girl 1 : "Baby!"

Me(In my head): "Shut-up and get back to work, or going to hang myself with this Tygon Tubing."

Stupid things in chemistry lab

"S-A-R-A-H is my favorite spelling of that name" - Like it F-ing matters!

Adventures in TA'ing

Last semester was the first semester of Organic TA'ing. I think I was too lenient with everyone, even the cheaters and slackers. This semester will be a little bit different because this semester I should be more prepared and I should understand what is going on a little bit better.

The first week I'll post an example lab report and how I want everyone to do it, not something written in stone but something that will give them a proper template. I'll include what to do and what not to do. I'll instruct them in writing in passive voice and proper citation. Hopefully I can have them understand how to think logically.

I like teaching, but I get frustrated and bored quite easily. The whole people thing is something I need to work on. I've just never understood why anyone would refuse self-improvement if they had an opportunity to do so. Working and writing reports or "other" regardless of how mundane they are, can be an incredible tool to improve ones-self.

And then... and then there are the people who don't try at all, they don't understand that they can't get by on their "good looks" and their daddy's money. This isn't highschool anymore. A lab report I read last semester said "Not without regardless because of solution" or some scattered string of bigwords without any meaning, I read it ten-fifteen times before I realized I was also bashing my head against concrete to make it try and make sense. I never figured it out and I never took any points away.

If I get anymore of those I'll definately post them.

Last night

This isn't your typical ACS conference. For one, everyone know everyone else here. Everyone knows everyone, there are only about 500 some people here. I guess membership is bigger but not everyone can afford to fly in from South America or Canada. I have met a lot of people here, not just punks like I have met in previous conferences. I have met the Boss's Boss (and his other boss), I have met new collaborators, old alums, and finally got to know people from right across the hall in my school.

I have met the Gulf of Mexico, which is fairly cold in January. I have met some locals from South Dakota and Alaska, and Manchester. These people aren't here for the same reasons I'm here, but we all have a story and an insight to offer each other.

The beach I know better by night, the police have no problems with vacationers vacationing. They have no problems with sand castles, they just simply drive past them. I would drive over them. It is intersting to sit here with my current and future collaborators and competitors. To witness the best of the best and hang with them and be accepted by them.

It makes me wonder how on earth I got here, it makes me question can I do better, can I achieve greater than this, should I have worked harder or is this the best I can do? So much to learn, so much to ask, investigate and develop into knowledge.

I have these crazy ideas, I question all the time, but I always come to the final conclusion of "I'm happy with where I am and where I'm going: Only I can derail myself from this path of success." But that is a double edged sword since the final goal will not be an easy one, I know this, Chelsea knows this and the people that have ended up there know this.

One thing I've been bothered about all week is the relationship between people, and that relationship to chemistry. This diagram is a variation of an energy well. And well it's very good at describing more that molecular reactions.

This diagram is good at representing people. The x (horizontal) axis is the distance between two people. The y axis is the energy required to keep to people together. As you can see as you move farther to the right of the diagram the energy requred to keep to people together is zero, also they are infinately far apart. As you move further to the left you notice the decrease in energy. Once you get to know someone it is easy to be closer to them right? Therefore the energy is reduced. The more you get to know someone the less energy it takes to keep them near you until you get to know them too much. Then the repulsive forces take over and you can't stand them.

This isn't that every relationship is doomed once you get to know someone or that the closer you get to someone you'll be repulsed by them. Look at the left side of the graph more carefully, the more energy requred to maintain a relationship the harder it is to keep the two people together.

This simply states that each person needs their space and by forcing the other one to be "too close" the more energy is required to keep you "that close." I think it is an interesting (and mostly true) relationship between two people.

Maybe I should explain this a little bit more when I'm not so tired and my battery isn't running out of juice.